Fire and Rain

When you lose someone that you love, I think some days are harder than others when you deal with it.

Bill was one of my closest friends in high school. Now, when I look back, I realize that we were friends for almost less than a quarter of the time that he's been dead...so much of how I felt about him and our friendship has been with me so long that sometimes I forget that our friendship was only four years old before he died.

If you read my blog, you know I'm living in England with my husband, 5000 miles away from the place that Bill died; yet I still feel him here. Driving down the road on the left hand side hearing "Landslide" come on the radio and having to change it. Sitting at my own wedding and seeing a photo of Bill that I've never seen before and breaking into tears. Looking at my own journal and wondering how much of Bill we'll never know because his dad burned all of his journals after he died.

I was 20 when Bill died. And now I'm 32. I wonder who he would have been if he had lived. I lost track of Bjorn, his best friend, about five years ago. Would I have stayed friends with Bill? Would he have come to my wedding? Would he have still cared? If he wasn't dead, would I?

We had our friends Simon and Claire over for drinks tonight, and Simon has recently discovered James Taylor. He requested that we play the song 'Fire and Rain' several times - a song about losing someone you thought would always be part of your life. Since the wedding, when Julie gave me that photo of Bill and I felt like, in spirit, he was there with us, Bill has been on my mind. I hope he would tell me that he's happy for us. I wish he could have shared our day. I miss him.